did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
