Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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