was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
