Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
