I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
