pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She even gives head with a lisp.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
