i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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