guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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