I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
