3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
