I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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