I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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