A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
