What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
