Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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