I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize