"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
