I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
