i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
