Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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