We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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