Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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