Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize