I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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