note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
