ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
