Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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