whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
