Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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