brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize