Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
