Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
