I think i peed on brittanys purse
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
