I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
