I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
