got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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