My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
