I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
