That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
