a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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