party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
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