Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
