what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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