she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
