Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
