My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
