Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
