I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
