i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
