at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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