Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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