im about as happy as oj after his trial
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
