I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
