she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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