i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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