I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
