You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
