Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
