just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
