Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
